Stand up and be counted

I have had this overarching desire to please, to do things for others, to always be the one to keep the peace, to be the bridge between others, to keep things stable. As a child I hid my views, always afraid to speak up in class in case I was wrong, always afraid to take a chance on things, always looking for the stable environment. Growing up I was ashamed of myself, ashamed that I was overweight, few people truly know the reason behind my weight gain and it’s a tale for another time when I can’t hurt people who don’t deserve to be hurt. Yet again, the child in me seeks to maintain stability. All my life I have been afraid, afraid of being stupid, afraid of being branded a fool, afraid to say how I feel in case people think less of me. I didn’t stand up for myself until I was in my twenties and working. An incident in work forced me to take action. I was working in a position where I supervised students and one of the managers made a sexist comment about my weight and a male student I was supervising. Another manager who thought this was hilarious decided to tell me. I don’t want to go into the details but suffice to say I had to deal with it. It was one of those loose-loose situations. If I didn’t do something then everyone thought I was just another fat person to make fun of and if I did do something well then the male dominated environment I worked in would dislike me immensely. My gut instinct or reaction took over pardon the pun. I tackled both managers for different reasons and eventually the situation was sorted out, payback well that came in the form of not being given a position I had worked hard on and eventually being let go. No good action goes unpunished. This situation did however, teach me a valuable lesson; standing up for what you believe in is not easy, it does not come with an easy journey or a set of applauds to boost your confidence. Standing up has many merits but mostly they are the kind of thing that tells you, your inner self that you have a set of principles, morals and ethics that are important and worth taking a risk for. Since that event I have fought a bit harder for myself, for the person I know I can be, the person that when I die, I will have no regrets. Well maybe I will have some but right now the only regret is that I allowed my sadness to take a hold of me and that consequently I allowed myself to gain weight. The flip side of that is that I love the good times, the camaraderie and the friendships that are nurtured and flourish over a good meal, nice wine and decent music. Tonight as I write this I am sad. For ten years or more I have been happily working away trying to highlight that engaging with patients is a viable option for healthcare. Tonight I realised that despite my best efforts it will take a miracle of sorts to ensure that I can keep doing this type of work. For the first time in my life I am truly afraid of what my financial situation will be. Tonight I wonder if I could have been better, if I could have achieved more, if I could have stood up and spoken out more eloquently. Tonight I ask myself did I make a difference, can I now, will I in the future. Tonight I don’t have the answers. Tonight, an end or yet another new beginning;