Its official, I have lost my va va voom, my chutzpah or that
which made me quirky, confident and funny. Love me or hate me at least I evoked
a reaction. I sat down this evening having declined the offer to go out with
friends and realised that it’s gone. It upped and vanished and I never really
saw it go. Yeah, I knew that something wasn’t really the same, that there was
something slightly amiss, but I didn’t pay enough attention and now I realise
it could be too late to get it back.
Before I got my hip replaced I went through a relatively bad
phase. Extreme chronic pain wore me down, I stopped going out as much for a
number of reasons and I started to let things slip. I had myself convinced that
after the surgery things would be better. I would have less pain, be less
cranky, more patient, an all-round better person. What happened or should I say
what I let happen was nothing short of a disaster. I couldn’t get over the
feelings of dependency that I experienced after the surgery. I allowed myself
to be a patient, but as usual I wasn’t going for any short term approach I was
in this for the long haul and now well after a year I am still dependent on my
family to get me through the day.
I am still in chronic pain and looking at getting my other
hip replaced but its only now that I realise how much I allowed my negative
thoughts about needing help to affect me. Instead of seeing it as a temporary
situation I let it take control of me, to dominate my thoughts to take over my
life. Every day I look around my house which is really in a state and I think
where will I start, then I think hmm well that could be too much of a task to
do so I won’t even start it. This self-talk continues in my head until I
convince myself to do the bare minimum and have myself convinced that I will be
in dire pain by the end of it. This is a situation that only I can stop and one
that I feel I need to change today, tomorrow and for many days from now.
Now at this point you might be thinking that I have
forgotten the whole point of this post but fear not I’m getting to it. You see
by being so completely dependent I stopped looking after myself, I let myself
gain even worse eating habits, I am sitting more, doing less and generally
putting on weight – lots of it and yes I know it, I feel it, I seriously don’t
like it. I have more excuses now real ones as to why I can’t do anything about
it but who am I kidding? Well I am not kidding the people in this house that’s
for sure. By putting on weight I stopped wearing my clothes, I stopped with my
make up something I adore; I stopped even caring about my hair. I let my va va
voom walk right out the door bring all my designer bags, the best of my make-up
and the essence of me with it. Now maybe I can’t get the chutzpah back (I hear
some of you saying “Thank God”) but I can certainly claim back some of what
made me me. So tomorrow, no seriously tomorrow I am slowly possibly very slowly
claw back my essence, my laughter, my dreams and all the things I like small or
big, the things as I say that make a difference. So if you see me with an
emotionless face, tell me to cop on. I would rather be laughing or crying but
the one thing I can’t stand is nothing, empty vessels, droning conversation, or
not caring. I don’t mind quietness if fact I welcome periods of contemplation
but just don’t let me get boring.
