Grief is a painful thing. I thought I knew what it was like
to be sad, to hurt so much that you thought your heart would just shatter. I
was wrong. There is a pain to grief that repeatedly brings your heart to the
point of bursting and just when you think it’s going to stop it gives you a reprieve
or that’s what you think it is. In truth, it’s just a chance to take a bare
breath before it comes again, just like the beating of your heart but in the
most sickening way I can think of. I find myself emotionless, laughing,
thinking, and then from absolutely nowhere it comes and grips me with what I
feel are painfully hot claws digging into the soft flesh of my heart, its only
on its release that I find the tears running down my face in an uncontrollable
river. Never have I wanted or needed someone to hold me so tightly that I think
my bones are going to be crushed, it’s the only time that I think I will feel
able to just take that real deep breath; the one that if I keep getting them
over time, I will eventually get over all this savagery. Just to add value to
the pain, the guilt of being the one feeling sorry for myself comes and the realisation
that whatever I feel there are several who are so very close to my heart in
even more pain than I can express or have a right to feel. I have tried to turn
my grief into busy work, it helps to some degree but I know I have lost to some
degree that zest that so often helped me get over the hump, the look of distain
for me in another’s look, the closed door in my face, or the lack of thought.
And yet, there is a glimmer, for in those who care about me, there is light,
there is love. So many people, those who I know and see and those who I may
never meet but know in other ways have kept me going, they have kept this faded
light from being extinguished and I would be lost without them.
No comments:
Post a Comment